By Brick City Slut

Hating men, drinking male tears, garden variety misandry ebbs in and out of fashion. More accurately it is clustered in social scenes—and cyclically reinforced. Some of this can probably be universalized across gender/relationship configurations but here I am only going to speak of women who are dating men. 

My own journey with misandry and integration of re-humanizing men has been a healing process. In my early twenties, I was hurt very deeply by men and subsequently viewed all men with a lot of suspicion and through a cynically transactional lens. I eventually realized that I needed to heal my relationship with men and not continue down my path of alienation. 

Outside of sex and romance, I wanted a more functional and healthy relationship with them, we do exist in a world together (and lesbian separatism or a monastic existence seemed unlikely for me). I don’t know that I truly hated men but I definitely felt quite wounded by how I was interacting with them. 

As a bisexual woman, dating men is more optional than for heterosexual women. And, I still dated and date men.

When women who hate men, date men, any behavior that clears the bar of “men are trash” is considered acceptable. This is a disservice to everyone involved. You will always find exactly what you believe exists. 

Thinking men are trash means you are going to not expect much of men. You are hurting yourself and men by trying to protect yourself from being disappointed. Women who wholeheartedly enjoy and respect men are going to have much better dating experiences—in part because these women have higher expectations of men. If you think that a group of people is fundamentally good, you are less accepting of low effort or bad behavior.   

Having low expectations is a misguided attempt at protection from being disappointed but ultimately a form of self harm. It can be terrifying to have expectations of people. Inevitably, they will fall short and disappoint us, because they are human. Not having expectations, or resentfully diminishing our hopes is a worse fate. To truly love men, you must see their humanity.

Brick City Slut lives in Newark. Reach out with questions for advice on Instagram or Twitter @brickcityslut